Dreams. They’re something that feed into the nonsense of fantasy. Because you dream. You dream so hard and you wish constantly of what you want but yet the thing you want, won’t happen because you’re wishing and hoping so hard. So then you try to wish for the opposite so the real wish you want will happen. But then everything falls apart because you couldn’t possibly think of the real outcome. The outcome of reality. The one that rips you in part because you came to believe that you were happy with the bad and you were happy with the one you really wanted to happen. But of course reality comes to slap you in the face, telling you that you’re a silly girl and that you should never dream. You should never hope. You should never love. Because dreams don’t come true.
Hi! I’m [Name] Natakana. Now I hardly can say this is going to become some formality that I will use upon leisure but I was told that expressing these things I have would be best in some ways. How they think that’s ever going to happen is beyond me but here’s to the try.
Everything I ever wanted to be was shoved down the throat of the devil and caused to be abruptly unstable. My life. Unstable. How it was always unstable. One hospital to the next, to the next, to the next researcher, to the next. Non stopping from day one of my soon to be short life. Japan, perfect for the medical engineers. Oh wait, America?! Now it’s your turn. Why not go there? No one can figure out what’s wrong with me. No matter what. And not that it matters with the burn still growing through my body. The illnesses still get to me no matter how much I try. I could die from the simple flu and still at that point no one can even imagine trying to fix me. Fix me to what I used to be. Someone with a heart, maybe? With happiness? Maybe my life fell out of control when the- Of course that’s the reason. Love. Please, don’t get me started. How could anyone love something so disgusting as I. Boney. Dying. Not to mention constantly on cloud one million. These drugs. All of the drugs. One after another, after another. The doctors cannot choose whether they want me to die first from myself or my liver failing from their constant abuse. It’s just going to happen. The countless and countless of pills. They cause me to do many things I hate. I cannot sleep. I stare at the ceiling constantly and think. Think. Think. Think. I can never stop thinking because the drugs make me not want eat but my stomach is rumbling in the middle of the night. Every time I try to put something into my stomach it comes back up and I try forcing it down solid which makes me choke and puke. These drugs are the death of everything. They continue to cause me to have a mind of Four Thousand trains. All racing by at once and I can never decide what train to get on. Or where it’s going to stop. So I sit here not myself. I used to be myself. Or that’s what I always thought of being myself. I was never normal, what can I try to kid myself? But what I think of myself is someone bold and outgoing. But every time I fall sick or every time I believe I need to blink, I become this corpse of non-feelings. Of hatred, sadness and vacancy. Even if someone tried to love me, they would be with nothing. Because that is what I am. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Not only the fact that they could potentially puke over seeing my naked body. They would puke on me, right? That’s where men go, over you? Hovering in the position of love making? So I would immediately be puked on by any man because my hip bone would jut out from the depth of my thin lengthy body and knock them out cold with puke. Which is totally appetizing? Like what girl ever wants to be puked on. Well not the one that wears white. The sickly white virgin that can’t even hold- what would that matter even if I ever did again. It would just be the existence of disappointment. Moved on. Completely. Like this place. I moved on. I moved to my HOME. Home being America. Where I forgot every little detail of this places curse. But of course, Japan! The place with the better medical practices and fathers work. I can’t even think in this language anymore let alone pretty much speak it. I forced myself to forget everything. Mostly everything I could of- home. This was home. The smell of the ocean. The smell of the ocean spray on wood houses. The smell of … happiness. Why could I make myself forget something I longed for, for so long? How could I possibly- because I was forced too. Its better this way, he told me. Much better this way. But was it better to tease me? Was it ever better to pull me out of a life I made to cope with a life I have forgotten? Why? It never makes sense. He doesn’t make sense. I make no sense.
As she forced the pen forcefully on the journal paper that she was writing so vigorously on from the train station to where she was standing. The pen made a sickening cracking noise and she lifted it as quick as she stabbed the paper. Breaking her pen with the ink all over her dress would be atrocious to be seen in. Of course it would be, because that’s how it was in America. She stood at this light. The never ending light that would not allow her to cross the street. This super busy street where the cars, zoom past so incredibly fast, it never left you time to think at all. She was being shoved against the walking signal pole. So many people trying to get to the same place at the same time. It was easy enough for her mind to wrap around the fast moving pace of this universe. But her anxiety was getting the best of her. Her hate of being near people and the germs of other people that could potential kill her, got her shivering. Trembling even. She was forcing herself not to fall upon the pole, because she just thought to herself how many germs there could be that could get her killed with just one touch. Her depression started kicking in, she fought back the tears and the pleads in the back of her mind to run home as fast of possible and forget this ever happened. But she stared. Continue to stare at the light in front of her, swallowing hard wishing and hoping it would turn so she can run to where she needed to be. Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.
Makoto was also sitting among the crowds of people. It was just too busy on a day like today and he had no idea why but that wasn’t the matter. What mattered was, what was going through his worried state. His thoughts rushed through his mind just like the cars passing by the front of the crowd he was standing in. He’s fine. He thought to himself. It was normal for him to walk to school sometimes on his own. Completely normal. The other he walked with sometimes had these days, where all of his ticks. Ticks. Ticks. Caused him to sit there more vacant than normal. More antisocial than normal. More unreceptive to his surroundings. As hard as he tried to get him from the bath, it wasn’t going to happen. Even though his friend told him that he will see him at school, he did not believe any moment of any word. He tried even grilling the mackerel. Why wasn’t it working? Haru… he continued to think to himself with a sigh. He was worried. Just as much as any other day since the day his friend quit swimming. He thought now that the swimming was back. Now that they won something, that everything. That even swimming with his best friend would be normal once more. But it wasn’t the case at all. He was still causing these ticks. Ticks. Ticks. To happen no matter what. But as he went to sigh once more, something caught his attention. A flash of silver upon the sweet locks of auburn. His thoughts stopped for a moment but as a honk of a car suddenly filled the air, he couldn’t help but second guess his eyes. There’s no way… he thought as he looked away but then suddenly as the silver caught his eye again he could not, not see what was sparking his curiosity. Was it her, after so long? Of course not. It could just be another elder he mistaken for once more, but it was always worth the shot just to see her face again.
So what he got to see her face again, would it make matters better? He moved closer to the silver stands of hair and the signs got more and more obvious. She was trembling just like always when her head was about to explode from her skull and spill out onto the floor in front of her. The locks of silver intertwined with her dark brown hair showing the signs of her healthy looking hair that was entirely what he remembered. Thick, long, wavy and shiny. His sensations of running his fingers through it came back to him with a rush that he completely forgot about. He began to extend a hand for her shoulder but he was interrupted. He held his breath as soon as he saw her hands clutching the bag that was wrapped around her shoulder. Her nails looking as healthy as ever but the fingers attached to them, were lengthy and thin and boney. He suddenly got the flashes of holding her hand among the other feelings he had and he had to truly know.
He breathed harshly and extended the hand fully. There was no more but certainty within his head that it was finally her that he was searching for, for so long. “[Name].”
He said loud enough over the drowning traffic but as the hand touched her shoulder, she screamed, louder than his own words. She jumped and ran. Which wasn’t the best thing to run forward into ongoing traffic. The never ending light still did not change at that point and she step forth into her new death sentence. Her sudden scream, caused him to scream also. When sudden changes to what he really thought was going to happen, changed for the different, it always surprised him. This actually caused him to jump more than her. But Makoto had time to react, thankfully. He saw her actions and grabbed for anywhere he could at her. He grabbed her shoulders with both of his hands and pulled back as quick as possible. He was surprised really, his reflexes were better than he remembered. Maybe the life or death situation made his reflexes better than the ones he uses for swimming. Before the car hit her straight on with a blaring horn, she fall back against him and he could feel her jagged breathing on his chest. She wasn’t dead, which was always good. Perfect really.
“[Name]?” He breathed sharply and bent over her shoulder some to see her full face. He was mortified about the sheer fact that one he was scared to wits end and he just almost killed the girl she’s been wanting to see since the beginning of the day she left him.
She spun around quickly to see the man that was potentially going to kill her and saved her. She couldn’t believe that she was possibly going to die from something other than herself or medication. She just couldn’t believe it, but what she really couldn’t believe, made her eyes widen. Makoto. Makoto. Makoto. Makoto. It had to be him and her breath started to falter. There was no way…
“[Name],” His words surprised her and what surprised her even more was when he leaned down to her height some more and looked her in the eyes. “daijoubu desuka!?” He practically screamed over the complete noise of the morning traffic. He grabbed her shoulders tightly while he gazed down on her and a frown fell upon his lips.
She froze. Japanese. That’s right. She could speak it. But she hasn’t thought in the language in quite a while. Respond you fool! She cursed and twitched to herself. Think. Think. Think. She thought about her words and the words for her own response came back to her like a freight train. The thinking in the language became much easier. “I-I-I” she tried to speak but her shaking got even worse. Her stomach decided to do a complete U-turn and the soup she devoured this morning that was actually rice mushed together into a physically liquid was finding its way back up her throat. “I’m going to be… sick.” She choked on herself and her words. Speaking a language she forced herself to forget was much harder than she thought.
“AH!” Makoto jolted upwards, with the looks of worry gone from his presence and looked about. “Come with me!” He grabbed her wrist quickly and pulled her through the crowd. It was sudden and her stomach jolted with the sudden pull. She gagged instantly but swallowed everything that was supposed to come up back down. He pulled her into an alley way. It was much quieter than the actually street and he thought this would be better than being sick in front of many people.
He stopped moving and she couldn’t hold it anymore, she lurched backwards away from his grip and fell against the wall beside her. She hunched over and her breakfast from this morning could no longer be kept down. As he could feel behind him her being sick, he kept his back facing her. He always hated seeing her like this. The throat hacking subsided and he decided to speak. “[Name]?”
She coughed. “yeah… Makoto.” She took a step forward, trying to hide the sickness with her body. She used the wall as support to keep herself up. Her energy had just been completely drained and she felt the need to fall completely over and pass out.
Suddenly a large hand caught her elbow and she looked up. She saw the smile. The quirky smile and her insides decided to lurch once more but there was nothing else for her to be sick with. So instead, her eyes formed tears.
“It really is you.” His cheeks brightened and he walked closer. The strength within his arm increased and she fully leaned against him without thinking. “I thought I would never-.”
“Never see my face again.” She breathed and forced herself to look up but the tears caused her vision to be blurry.
He suddenly gasped and pulled out something from his pocket. A soft tissue hit her cheeks, she closed her eyes instantaneously and the tissue whipped her eyes. She felt the need to fight back at his kindness but the moment she tried, her knees weakened and her whole body fell a bit.
“Hey! Hey! I got you.” He said so kindly. The tissue left her cheek so quickly and another hand grabbed her opposite elbow and lifted her to her feet.
“So useless!” She deeply cursed to herself out loud while looking towards the ground and kicking at it. Loud enough for Makoto to hear and laugh a bit too.
“You were never useless, [Name].” She looked up at his face; it was shining even though the sun was disappeared through the buildings around them. She choked on all the words that were being shouted from the Four Thousand trains. He smiled so brightly it made her cringe. “Come with me, we should get you sitting down somewhere.” He walked towards her much closer and pulled her elbow towards him. Placing her beside him, he began to walk her down the alley way.